You Might Be a Sex Offender If…
Derek “The Fallen One” Logue
November 11, 2008 -- Last Update July 31, 2009

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ARTICLE: derek@oncefallen.com [PS: Please read some of the articles, especially those
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One of the prevailing myths in society is that everyone on registries are all violent rapists or pedophiles.
However, landing on a sex offender registry (or even the prospect of landing on the registry) is a very real
threat. Over the years, I have collected some very outlandish cases which have either landed someone on
the registry or have at least made them potentially subject to placement on the registry. Some are sad,
some are ludicrous, others leave you questioning the laws. However, it is important to keep in mind how
easily one can be caught up in the registries. Think about that next time you look at a sex offender registry.

Thus, in the tradition of another popular comedy skit, I present to you the following cases as “You might be
a sex offender if…:” [Laugh Track NOT Included]

  • You might be a sex offender if… you ever paid for a prostitute in New York [unless, of course,
    your name is New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer]

  • You might be a sex offender if… you use a stolen credit card to hire a stripper in New York

  • You might be a sex offender if… You had sex with a teenager while you were a teen yourself
    [unless you happen to be Mark Lunsford's son]

  • You might be a sex offender if… you ever got drunk at a party and videotaped yourself having
    sex with your teenage girlfriend

  • You might be a sex offender if… you have ever given your kids too much information when giving
    “the birds and the bees” speech

  • You might be a sex offender if… a topless woman has ever talked you into "unwrapping your
    whopper" in a public park

  • You might be a sex offender if… anyone has ever accused you of a sex crime in Ohio -- thanks to
    a “civil” registry, you don’t even need a criminal conviction, only a civil conviction [like O.J.]

  • You might be a sex offender if… you ever participated in “slap butt day” in school

  • You might be a sex offender if… you allow your teenage daughter to have sex or don’t do enough
    to stop her from getting knocked up

  • You might be a sex offender if… you touched the knees of another man over 60 years ago

  • You might be a sex offender if… you have ever taken a picture of your child playing in the
    bathtub, or if you have bathed a baby in your tub

  • You might be a sex offender if… you’ve ever simulated sex on the sidewalk

  • You might be a sex offender if… you had sex with a picnic table (note: why was the person who
    videotaped this person NOT charged with creating obscene material? Hm...)

  • You might be a sex offender if… you are a teen and you take pictures of yourself and send it to
    other teens


  • You might be a sex offender if... you have oral sex with an intoxicated partner

  • You might be sex offender if... you look at a child too long in Maine
  • You might be a sex offender if... you are caught urinating in public multiple times [courtesy of a
    blogger at Reddit]

  • You might be a sex offender if... you grab the arm of a 14 year old girl to chastise her for stepping
    in front of your moving car (assist to Ian for this gem)

  • You might be a sex offender if... you flirt with a girl in Egypt

  • You might be a sex offender if... you had sex with a bicycle, bringing new meaning to the brand
    name "HUFFY" [thanks to Colin for the link]

  • You might be a sex offender if... you are a school teacher at a school that forgot to pay for anti-
    virus software [ironically enough, she'd have faced less time for sleeping with one of her students]

  • You might be a sex offender if... the local police screw up your arrest records!

  • You might be a sex offender if... you investigate a sex crime
  • NEW! You might be a sex offender if... you get caught masturbating in public [even if your name
    ISN'T Peewee Herman]

The Following is not an actual case, but the author poses a REALLY good point here:

  • You might be CONFUSED FOR a sex offender if... you leave your lights off and don't pass out
    candy at Halloween!

  • You might be CONFUSED FOR a sex offender if... some idiot misreads your acquittal papers

For Another Great List of "You Might Be a Sex Offender If" cases, many of which not listed here, follow the
link below:

http://www.solresearch.org/~SOLR/rtcl/LookNow.asp

Interesting comments on the REDDIT board

http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/7fdy5/you_might_be_a_sex_offender_if_list_of_true_cases/

NEW! Another great article, "15 Shocking Tales of How Sex Laws are Screwing the American People

http://www.alternet.
org/sex/140591/15_shocking_tales_of_how_sex_laws_are_screwing_the_american_people/?page=entire
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